“You will die. I will kill you. I will not describe how I am going to kill you because I think that will just ruin the surprise. And suspense is what life is all about in my opinion. And no, this is not some redeeming-selflessness in letting you at least cherish on some internal level your death. I don’t want to ruin the surprise for me either. I’ll have plans, of course, a man must have plans. But maybe I’ll mix and match. Or maybe I’ll just forfeit them all up to Ares, or whatever god of malice I like that day, and have at you. But I will kill you. This I promise you.”
“And if you don’t?”
“What?”
“What if you don’t kill me?”
“Well it’s not as though I’m going to wait for you to get old, so old age won’t take you before me. And you’re crafty enough to not get shot or run over before I’ve had my fun. So I reject your premise.”
“Well someone else could kill me first, you know. I do have a lot of enemies.”
“They’re children. I’m quite honestly not competent enough to kill you yet. So I can’t believe they would get you first.”
“What if I killed myself?”
“I’d take credit for driving you to it. And without you around, who’s to argue with me? Of course, me telling you this will now provide sufficient motivation for you to never do such a thing.”
“You’re going to need to receive some incredible education if you want to lay out these murder plans you know.”
“Not necessarily. I may not know the atomic weight of mercury or the speed at which items fall in a vacuum but I have a special affinity for killing. I mean, I could choke you. I could choke you from within prison. Slipping something in your food that would dissolve in your stomach and release a wonderful gas potent enough to cause you to burp and then effective enough to suffocate you on the way up. Or a simple noose trap.”
“No guns?”
“I may shoot you. But it would be in a slightly vital area, and I would make sure that I was far enough away but still visible. So then you could see me running for you, your mind racing. Will you have enough strength when I arrive to fight me off? Will I arrive before you bleed out? Will I desecrate your dead body? It’s not just the kill between us. It’s the mental torture.”
“What about friendly fire?”
“What?”
“You’re accurate in a lot of these assessments. None of my enemies stand a chance of killing me, even if a few of them could pull their heads out long enough to work together. I won’t die by accident. And I certainly won’t take my own life. But I am trusting and those that I work with are not all perfect. So what if they get me?”
“Then I will find out a way to resurrect your body and kill you myself.”
“What if my body comes back on its own, and it is not truly me?”
“Who will argue with me?”
“What if I develop cancer?”
“I’ll create a cure.”
“Be doing a lot of good.”
“Not if I create a new cancer resistant to the cure and infect you and a random 10,000 people with it.”
“…”
“I know.”
Copyright 2016 Joe Pangrazio